they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
