if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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