I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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