I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
