garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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