Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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