I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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