I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
