Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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