I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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