I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize