so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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