I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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