I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
