I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
