there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
