I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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