I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
It was confusing and full of hummus
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
