i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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