My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
