I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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