is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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