I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
