I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
