dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
