Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
