Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
