At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
