Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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