I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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