I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
