Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
