maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
