I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
even my farts smell like vagina
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
