Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
