if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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