This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
