Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
