I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
