Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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