its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
