I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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