My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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