This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
