she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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