dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
