peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
