fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize