I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
