i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I came so hard my ears popped.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
