When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I currently don't understand fingers.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
