When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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