There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Randomize
