How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
