Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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