Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
